I Don't Know Anymore
by TheMockingbird27
Summary: Ski Lodge AU. In which the end of the triangle brings the end of many more important things. Maya's hurting, Lucas is confused, Josh is guilty and Riley doesn't know how to fix this anymore. But life goes on, and this is how they deal with it.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Girl Meets World or any of the characters mentioned so far.** **This is another version of ski lodge, because I think it was a bit off for Josh to know everything when he hasn't been on the show that often. I kind of wanted to see where the story would take me in terms of ships (Lucaya or Joshaya), and I hope you enjoy. Please review! =D**

Maya Hart was never the type of person to allow herself to hope for anything. But after years of Riley and her ever optimistic views on life, after her art became something worth noticing, she thought that maybe being one of those suckers wasn't so bad.

Maybe that was why she had fallen for Lucas Friar. Because he was the type of person that embodied hope with his charming smile and southern manners. He was the person who could make her believe.

And so she sat, in the bay window of the ski lodge in the afternoon when Riley went to their room to take a nap a few minutes ago, drawing the leaves from the once vibrant red, to the dried up, jilted form of a dead one. This is what leaves look like when they lose hope.

Because why would anyone choose the broken, damaged Maya when they could have sunshine Riley? Maybe she wasn't pretty enough or smart enough she thought. Maybe she just wasn't enough for anyone. And nothing she could ever do, could change that fact. Why bother trying? Maya Hart was the type of person who didn't have hope so people like Riley could, and it was time she stopped trying to fool herself. At least that's what she thought, and so she stepped down again for her best friend only minutes before when they talked at the bay window she was currently at.

The blonde wasn't trying to be like Riley, she was just trying to grow up. She still painted beautiful works at home (that nobody had seen, that purple cat she painted was for Riley as a little way to bond and thank her. It was a little inside joke), she still teased Lucas from time to time. She was just dressing more maturely and getting good grades. Isn't that what everyone is trying to do? But despite of all that, to keep her best friend happy, she reverted back to her old ways.

She set her pencil down on the cushion of the orange seat when she heard someone walk towards her.

"Hey Maya," said Josh.

She could do it. She could fake the smile. Maya had been doing it for years. "Hey Boing, what's up?"

He took a seat, turned to her and said, "What did you do to my niece?"

"What?" she asked, furrowing her eyebrows at him.

Josh narrowed his eyes at her, "Riley was crying last night about Lucas was going to choose you and how you were taking everything away from her."

"She said that?" Maya said, appalled.

"Yes, she did," he replied, "And if you really think about it, she's right."

She let a stray tear fall, before asking, "What does that mean?"

"Maya, we're not angry with you, but you need to learn how to be your own person and stop stealing from Riley. Her family, Lucas, me? Because you're destroying her, can't you see that?"

Maya looked down at her sketchpad, still trying to keep all the tears in. Somewhere deep down she knew that she would destroy everyone she was close to. First it was her dad, then Lucas, and now Riley. Why would they all have left her then?

Josh felt saddened as he watched such a strong girl trying to keep her tears in, but he need to say this for Riley's sake. Family always came first, at least that's what his parents always told him.

She was too tired to fight him, to defend herself. They still had one more night at the ski lodge and all Maya wanted to do was to go home.

Getting up, she turned to him and croaked out, "Okay, I understand now, I'll fix it." Then she slowly walked away, and in her heart, she ended the long game she thought they were both playing. When she got to her room, she threw her art supplies on the bed and crumbled to the floor in a flurry of tears and sobs. She needed to remove herself before she destroyed Riley too. Before Riley left her.

And she thought about what if her father left her because she was such ruinous daughter? She must have done something wrong to push everyone away is what she thought before she dragged herself to her bed and fell asleep.

* * *

Meanwhile, Riley had told Lucas that Maya stepped down, and that they could finally be together. She was so excited that she didn't even notice the unsure look in his eyes. Because Maya told Lucas to tell Riley that he loved her, and he wasn't even sure if he liked her that much. At least not anymore.

They had come into the lodge about thirty minutes before dinner and while they all met up to plan the evening out, Riley noticed that Maya was missing. That was weird, she would never miss a chance to make heart eyes at her uncle.

And that was when she was pulled aside by Josh. They went to the bay window and sat down while Cory and Topanga were explaining activities for the rest of the group.

Then he spoke up, "I talked to Maya."

Riley broke into a cold sweat, she may have been acting a little over the top last night, and she knew that Josh had no idea that Maya had stepped down the morning after.

She quickly said, "It's okay Josh, Maya and I worked things out this morning and she stepped down. She told me that she only liked Lucas because she was trying to be me. You weren't too hard on her, were you?"

"What? I never knew that," he said panic settling in as he came to a realization. He had hurt her for no reason. Because Maya always had Riley's best interest at heart, he just couldn't stand to see his niece cry last night because of something he thought Maya had done. And there was also the fact that no matter how many times he tried to deny it, he was in it for the long game too. Who wouldn't fall for the blonde beauty.

Riley's eyes widened, "You weren't too hard on her, right Josh?"

They both sat their in all consuming guilt as they thought of her.

"Where is she?" asked Josh, getting up.

"I don't know."

At that moment, the rest of the gang joined them near the bay window. "Where's Maya?" Farkle asked.

After a moment, they all looked at each other, concerned for their missing friend.

* * *

With groggy eyes, Maya pushed herself up on her bed. She must have fallen asleep crying. Lucas, Josh and Riley didn't like the ways she was acting whether it was Rebel Maya, or Mature Maya. She had tried to hold her tears in when Riley accused her of trying to be like her. And when Lucas had told her that he didn't like her teasing. Because that meant that he didn't really like all of her. And maybe he was just going along with this triangle thing to keep Riley happy. She always came first. But when she learned that Riley and Josh both agreed that Maya Hart was a bad friend, a friend who took from others, she broke down into a fit of sobs before falling asleep with tears in her eyes.

She went into the bathroom and looked at her reflection, she almost jumped. Her eyes were red and swollen from all the crying and her braids were all loose and frizzy.

The clock on her nightstand told her it was dinner time, and being the strong Maya that she swore she would always be, she splashed some cold water on her face and headed downstairs towards the dining room where all her friends were.

Smackle was the first one to spot her descending the stairs. She turned to the rest of her friends in the lobby and said, "There she is."

"Peaches, are you okay? You missed the bus tour. Where were you?" said Riley as she moved across the little sea of people to hug her friend.

Maya just returned her a smile and hugged her right back before whispering, "I would never want to take something that was yours. Please know that."

"I know that, Peaches, you're the best friend anyone could ever ask for."

Maya just held onto her a little tighter as all their friends watched her. Little did they know this was it. This is where she wanted to leave in the story of the six friends who swore they would always stay together in high school.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own GMW or any of its characters, nor anything else you might recognize.**

Dinner had gone by in an awkward silence.

Everyone was too tired from earlier to celebrate their last night at the ski lodge, and so they all went up to bed.

She decided that if this was going to work, she would have to plan it out step by step so that no one would notice before she escaped, She put her jean vest on and stepped out the back door to go on the hike. _Lucas was right, I never know when to stop,_ she thought bitterly as the wind brushed her blonde hair back. She was sneaking out after all.

Every step felt a little heavier as she realized that nobody had accepted her the way she was. And if she changed for them, how she possibly be the brave Maya Hart that she always swore to be? How could she be loyal to the people she cared about the most if she was lying to all of them about who she was?

And so she decided that the ski lodge would be the last chapter that she would be in. After that, it would just be the story of Riley; the happiest girl in the world.

 _They'll all be better off without me anyways._

She came to a clearing on a small cliff side and sat cross legged right on the edge, resting her legs. Maya closed her eyes and took a deep breath in before letting out the loudest yell she could manage.

It wasn't anybody's fault, but she was drowning, and no one offered her a hand.

The sky was blanketed in a dark blue, and star were littered throughout. She lay down on the dry brown dirt, staring at the wonder before her eyes.

Even with the best friend in the world, she still felt so lonely. Riley was already replacing her with Lucas.

With a heavy heart, she devised her plan on how to make everything better by removing herself from the equation. She backed out of the triangle. Maya would spend every lunch hour in the art room instead of with her friends. She would do her homework at home. And day after day, conversations would dwindle to hello's in the hallway. So they would finally be free of the bad, troublemaking Maya Hart. They would be free of the broken girl who never knew what to be, who

 _Sometimes, I'm not so proud of who I am._ She had said that when Mr. Matthews had failed her. But Maya never realized that everyone else felt that way about her too. There was more truth to it than she'd realized.

Maya was tired fighting nature. The universe didn't seem to want her to be happy, and so she would let it run its course. Let nature decide.

Her eyes began to droop, and watching each star, she slowly fell asleep. It had been a long day after all.

* * *

He stood outside kicking himself for being such an ass. He didn't even let Maya defend herself before accusing her of horrible things. Josh rubbed his temples and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to numb the headache.

It was already dark out, and he had just finished checking all the rooms. When he got to their room he was greeted by a nervous Riley who pestered him on the whereabouts of her best friend. Josh should've known that she wasn't going to be there. But he wouldn't tell, he owed her that much.

He absolutely refused to tell his niece about what he said earlier to the blonde in fear and guilt that was settling in his stomach as he swiftly left the room. They were the bestest of friends. And his niece might not forgive him so easily if she had known what he had accused her of.

There was a sudden yell that penetrated the silence of the night.

* * *

Lucas sat on the edge of his bed with his face in his hands. He and Riley were a couple now? What happened to all of them deciding together? He knew that earlier on the trip he had acted jealous of Evan and Riley talking all night, but that's because the one thing Lucas never wanted to do was to be alone. The triangle didn't need another member, the three had already caused a lifetime of drama.

The Texan also knew that he was upset with Maya for breaking the rules again on the first day at the lodge, and maybe he had been too harsh with her, but other than that, why else would Maya back out of the triangle?

He felt his fists clench. _This was supposed to be a group decision. No one was supposed to get hurt. Why does she always do this to herself. Doesn't she see that it affects us too?_

Zay opened the door and came back in silently. The whole triangle mess had worn everyone down.

"Are you okay man?" he asked Lucas.

"Yeah, I'm fine dude, just worried about Maya and this whole triangle. I just want it to be over."

"Isn't it already over. I mean you and Riley are together now right? Didn't Maya say that she only liked you because of Riley?"

Lucas sighed, "I don't know. I think I'm supposed to be with Riley now, but you know I was gonna choose Maya that night."

Zay furrowed his eyebrows and stared at him. "Then how come you told her you didn't like it when you two tangle? Isn't that what made you two friends in the first place?"

Lucas looked down at his shoes. The old rule-breaking Maya was someone Texas Lucas would have been interested in. And that wild part of him was always there, buried under forced smiles and polite words. He knew that ignoring it wouldn't make it go away, and that's why Texas Lucas came out on the first day of high school. If he knew one thing for sure, it was that it was time to change. No more repressing his anger to keep Riley happy, but also no more fits of anger that could turn violent. And so when she matured, he thought that he could have a chance at a real relationship, because if she could change, then maybe Lucas could too.

Maybe they could bring out the best in one another.

Too bad that Maya decided that he picked Riley, or that she was Riley. Either way, he said that to her because he knew that she was changing back to the old Maya just to keep her best friend happy. She still teased him, she was still into art, so why did Riley have to say that? Lucas just didn't want Maya to be in bad situations anymore, he in fact, loved the teasing.

So the fact that he knew exactly what Maya was doing made his fists clench, and jaw tighten because she really didn't know when to stop when it came to sacrificing her own happiness for others. It was selfless, but in a way it was selfish too, because no one got to feel what they really wanted to feel, and no one got to decide anything that wasn't in the best interests of Riley.

He sighed and looked back up at his friend, "I don't know man." And that was all they said to each other before turning off the lights and going to sleep, tired from not only the day, but from everything.

The gang would leave the infamous ski lodge tomorrow. Mr. Matthews was right.

* * *

Riley was in her room fiddling with her hands while looking out the window of her room. She kept glancing at the door, hoping that her best friend would come back soon.

Josh refused to tell her anything, and so she was still in the dark about why her best friend was so upset. She bit her lip as she tried to think of what Josh had said to make her so upset.

 _It's not the triangle, it it?_ It couldn't have been, Maya said so herself that she was only into Lucas because she was trying to be like Riley.

Unfortunately, after nearly an hour after midnight, there was still no sign of Maya coming back. And so Riley tried to clear her head as she got ready for bed.

They were all leaving tomorrow. She just hoped that Maya didn't do anything too dangerous.

 **NOTE: This is an AU where the trip is extended a few days, just in case if it was confusing in the second chapter.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi, I'm back. I was wondering what you guys were thinking so far and I was also wondering how you would feel if I went down a darker path for Maya (dealing with depression). How am I doing in terms of ships? How am I doing with the story so far? Please review and tell me what you think.**

 **Disclaimer: I do own GMW or anything associated with it. I do not own anything you might recognize except the plot.**

She was being shaken awake by a pair of warm hands. The wind blew and she shivered and stuffed her hands into her pockets to keep them warm. She was looking paler and paler by the second.

"Maya? Are you okay? Please be okay."

Leaves rustled while Maya sat up, rapidly blinking. Josh was shaking her. She took a good look at him through her narrowed eyes. His hair was disheveled and bags were beginning to form under his eyes.

She stared at him and said, "I'm fine, I'm fine."

He breathed a sigh of relief and helped her up from the edge. His guilt-stricken eyes stared longingly at her while she brushed the dirt off her jeans and hair.

"How did you find me?" she asked in a small voice.

"I heard a scream, and you weren't in your room, and Riley didn't know where you were and I was worried about you and so I came looking for you and I couldn't find you and I'm so sorry for everything I said, if I could take it all back I would," he babbled on while he stared at the ground. It was so out of character for him to lose his composure. The "cool" uncle was brought down to his knees for a girl.

Maya rubbed the sleep from her eyes. The sight of him made her heart a little heavier, but she refused to cry in front of him. She fixed him with a long stare before saying, "What time is it?"

"I don't know, but we should get back so there's time to sleep before we leave."

Maya sat down on the edge of the little cliff again. "I think I'm gonna stay here. I'll meet you guys in the morning. You can go back if you want Josh."

Josh, that was about the first time ever she had used his real name, and when he heard her, a weight dropped onto his shoulders. Just when he was about to join the long game, she dropped out. Not that he could really blame her. He was an ass.

But the thing is he was told the entire story from Riley's view, and he had to fill in the rest for himself. Josh knew that he had been gone for a while, but he always wanted to know what was going on in his family. And he hated seeing Riley cry.

So, setting his feelings aside, he accused Maya of terrible things without even giving her a chance to explain.

"Can I stay?" he whispered into the wind.

"You can do whatever you want," she said bitterly.

He sat down next to her at a respectable distance, his eyes never leaving her face. He ran his hands through his hair.

Maya let out a sigh and watched as her breath turned into mist in the cold night air. She felt her eyes well up with tears from all of the hiding, the hurtful accusations and loneliness. The foundation of her wall was breaking. And right in front of the one who took the last shot at it.

She bit her lip and turned her head away in a desperate attempt but he noticed. Josh finally noticed.

And so he put his arms around her as sobs wracked her body, one by one, growing stronger by the second. Josh could feel the tears seeping under his jacket and his eyes started to well too. _How did this happen to such a strong girl? What did we do to you Maya? What happened?_

He held her tighter as she started to shake more and more in the cold. Josh could remember that during dinner, she had red rimmed eyes and ruffled hair.

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry Maya," he said into her hair. And with that, she started sobbing again, only this time, Josh picked her up, and led her back to the lodge, where she would at least be warm. It was the least he could do.

And so he made his way back the way he came up in a shorter time.

When Josh put her down near the entrance, she mumbled a quick thanks to him and ran back in. He didn't know if she was still upset with him, but he knew one thing for sure. Joshua Matthews never, ever wanted to see Maya Hart cry like that ever again.

* * *

The kids were all lined up for the bus ride home with their respective partners. Lucas didn't get any sleep the night before. Riley was fussing over Maya who seemed to be back to her normal self. But Josh knew that it was all an act, and he kicked himself for not knowing before.

Maya walked over to the bay window to stare at the leaves one more time before she left. His eyes never leaving her, Josh followed and sat down.

"I'm sorry," was all he said.

"I know," she replied, not even looking at him. Her head was still angled to the window.

"I know that you are the best friend anyone could possibly ask for," he stammered,"And I'm sorry for not seeing it before. I'm sorry for not seeing you… before. And thank you for trusting me enough to let me take you back to the ski lodge. I'm sorry I didn't notice how sad you were before," His eyes were narrowed down to the floor, as if deep in thought. Maya took a quick glance at him. She knew he was sincere but maybe fantasies had to end at some point.

Josh looked back up to find her staring at him and he quickly said, "You don't have to say anything or forgive me, but I wanted you to know that I was wrong, and I don't want to see you cry like that ever again. Just know that I'm here, and I'm mature enough to understand that now." He could feel a lump growing in his throat as his heart pounded. He had never been so nervous, or so guilty before.

And with that she left him there, joining Riley back in the line, smiling and cracking jokes again like everything was back to normal.

Lucas had been staring at Maya ever since she came downstairs in the morning, hoping to find answers he knew he would never get. His jaw clenched as he watched her with the older boy, sitting at the bay window. He knew something was up with Maya and Josh.

And so the trip to the infamous ski lodge was over. Nature had not fully solved the triangle, but it had stirred a realization within Maya. She was tired, and close to being done.

* * *

The next few weeks were all a blur to Maya. As if her brain was on autopilot, all she did was work, at school, at home. **Maya Hart was going to prove them all wrong and be who they wanted her to be at the exact same time.**

It was easier said than done though.

When she wasn't working, she was painting. When she wasn't painting, she was sleeping, a lot more than usual though. Weekend time with her friends dwindled down as she started to sleep in more often.

At first no one thought anything of it. Josh got busier with college and had told Maya to reach out to him whenever she was ready to forgive him. High school was tough, different classes meant less time together and so everyone was on their own path.

But at some point they all noticed the spitfire blonde changing though. Maya never teased Lucas anymore. His brow would always furrow when he talked about his Pappy Joe and she missed the opportunity to call him Huckleberry or Ranger Rick. She refused to show Riley her grades, claiming that she wasn't proud of them and Maya rarely chimed in with her witty, sarcastic remarks anymore in the middle of class (and when she did, they were more shy). At dinner with the Matthew's, she didn't lose her cool when Josh came by, and she didn't share anything about her day. Maya Hart was just, quiet.

* * *

Of course it was Farkle, the genius, who noticed it first.

One evening when they were all at Topanga's after school, Farkle dragged Maya outside just like Riley did to him after Texas, saying that they would be back in a minute.

"What are you doing Farkle?" she asked, frowning. It had been a long day.

"What's going on with you? You're the witty one, you're the rebel. There is no group without you."

"Nothing. Can we go back inside now?"

"You still love Lucas," he stated with a straight expression.

"What!? No I don't. Where is this coming from."

Farkle sighed and looked at her. "I don't know. I'm the genius and I'm supposed to know everything and I know that something is going on with you and I don't know what. Is it Lucas? Is it Riley? Is it us? We just want Maya back," he rambled on.

Maya stared him down, "Farkle, I'm fine." She gave him a sad smile and said, "I'm just tired."

She turned to go back in, but Farkle grabbed her arm, "No, that's not all. Tell me what's wrong. What happened at the ski lodge." Farkle had never looked so serious in his life.

Maya glared right back at him and almost yelled, "Riley is happy. That's all that matters. I only thought I liked Lucas because Riley liked him, okay?" The lies were getting easier to tell.

"Then why aren't you being you?"

"Because I'm just a little tired Farkle. I know that you want the best for Riley, and you were the one that told everyone she still loves Lucas and look at her," she pointed at her best friend through the window, " she is so happy. Why are you making such a big deal about this?"

"You still love Lucas, don't you?" It was more of a statement than a question. Guilt struck him as Farkle realized that he always thought Maya never liked Lucas like that, how could he have been so wrong?

Maya looked down and bit her lip. She hated lying to her friends.

* * *

Lucas and Riley sat at their couch on Topanga's waiting for them to come back inside when he suddenly remembered something.

"Riley, what happened between Josh and Maya at the ski lodge?"

Riley looked up from her math textbook and furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"She was kind of upset. Did something happen."

The brunette looked at her boyfriend and said, "Josh won't tell me what happened, but I think something did. But they're all okay now and everything worked out fine, right?" She smiled at him.

He was skeptical, but not wanting to get into a fight with his girlfriend, he shook his head, looked back down at his books and said, "Yeah, I guess so."

His jaw clenched as he decided he would pay a visit to their favourite uncle. Maya was acting different, and he didn't know if his blonde beauty was alright anymore. It was his job to fix this, and to help her get back.

After all, Lucas was one of the many to shame her for who she was.

* * *

It had been weeks. And even though he found more excuses to go to the Matthew's house, she still had such a sad air hanging around her. Maya still hadn't reached out to him yet. She will eventually, Josh told himself, but as time went by, that mantra became harder to believe.

He was worried. What if this sadness affected her more than she realized?

He rubbed the back of his neck as he decided he would confront her about it. What if she wasn't okay?

The long game, was far from over he decided. The only thing is that the rules changed. He was all in, and now, he was finally mature enough to accept his feelings. He needed to see that long gone smile on her face again, like the one she had when they met up at Christmas.

After all, Josh was one of the many to shame her for who she was.

 **Important Questions At the Top. Please answer. Thank you for reading. It means a lot to me.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I am very sorry for the late update. I started high school in September and it's been really hard. I'm sorry. It might continue like this just to warn you. I will try to be better though. Happy holidays and I hope all of you guys are well.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in Girl Meets World or anything associated with it.**

Josh woke up to a loud knocking on his door on Saturday morning. He was in his messy college dorm, and he groggily sat up and walked over to the noise.

"Josh! I wanna talk to you."

Still in his room, his blood went cold. That was the voice of Lucas Friar. And even though he was three years older, Lucas was as strong as a horse compared to him.

Reluctantly, he went to his door and opened it to the angry Texan. Quite annoyed, he asked, "May I help you?"

"Maya's been acting weird ever since the trip and I know that you have something to do with it. Riley told me herself," he huffed out.

* * *

She sat up from her bed. It was almost afternoon when she got the energy to get up out of bed and greet her family. She'd play it off as a cold keeping her, but something was wrong.

Maya entered the kitchen only to find a post-it note on the refrigerator saying to take care of herself while they were out for the day. She huffed and blew a piece of blonde hair away from her face as she sat down and looked around the empty little apartment.

All of a sudden, she felt really tired. Tired of people telling her who to be, tired of people criticizing her art, tired of the stupid triangle, tired of Josh's constant rejection, and sick of everything. And so, with those thoughts in mind, a single tear rolled down her porcelain cheeks, and then another, and then another until a brute sob, escaped her mouth.

* * *

"Lucas, I don't know what you've heard but, I want what's best for Maya as well, I would never do anything to try to hurt her," he said in his defence after a long awkward silence of just Lucas glaring at him.

He stared back at the nineteen year old and said, "I know that you have hurt her before, and I know that you said something to her to make her this way."

Baffled, he could only stare back at the Texan. That seemed to be his cue to continue on his rant, "I know Maya, and this isn't her, I know that you have so much power over her and anything careless you might just throw out there could make her like this, so I'm not asking you, I won't leave until you tell me what happened at the ski lodge between you and her."

A wave of resentment flowed through Josh, he despised the accusation. He was not careless. "Oh yeah? Well what about you huh? What about all the careless things you've said to her? All the times she's been hurt because you couldn't man up and decide between Riley and her? I may have made a mistake and accused her of something, but you have hurt her as well, so don't come in here acting like a knight in shining armor when we all know you aren't."

Lucas stayed quiet for a minute. Realization settled in that he had hurt her too. He was just as bad as Josh. After everything, he was no Mr, Perfect, or a knight, he was a good boy, who sometimes had trouble with his temper. Maya had always seen him that way. And he hadn't even had the decency to not hurt her. Quietly, he muttered out, "What did you say to her then? I just want to know."

Looking down, he replied, "I told her that she shouldn't always take from Riley just because of her life. I was an ass about her liking me too."

The two boys stared at each other. "I think we've all been terrible to her."

"What do we do?" asked Josh, just hoping to make things better.

Lucas sighed, "That's the thing Josh, none of us know."

* * *

The Texan gulped as he stood outside Maya's apartment. After a long negotiation, they decided that it was best if Lucas went to talk to her first. He knocked gently on the door.

He could hear shuffling on the other side, but no one came to answer the door. "Maya, I know you're in there, can we please talk for a second?"

Maya sat on the other side of the door with her legs crossed and her head resting on the chipped paint of the wood. What could a Huckleberry like him want on a Saturday afternoon?

"Maya? I'm not leaving until you open your door, I know you're in there. I need to talk to you. Please Maya."

She leaned forward and got up. Slowly, the blonde beauty opened the door and peeked up at him. He was still the same stupidly handsome Huckleberry. Oh what she would do not to like him.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"You're not you. This isn't you."

Taken aback, Maya stumbled into her apartment, "What do you mean? I thought we were over this. Riley brought me back, remember, ya Sundance, Hop-a-Long, Huckleberry, Ranger Rick?" She faked a laugh and ha hurred him once again.

"Maya, you haven't been you ever since we got back. You rarely talk at lunch, you don't do your homework with us at Topanga's… You can't even look me in the eye right now, what's going on Maya?" he asked with a gentle tone.

She looked down and swallowed the bile in her throat. She was still so screwed for liking her best friends boyfriend. And so she shook her head and looked back up at him. "You chose Riley, you don't need to worry about me. The purple jellybean, the red leaf? Remember? It's always been Riley. I heard you… no I saw you two." Tears started to fill her eyes at the painful memory. "And I thought you wanted this. You were the one who told me that you don't like it when I tease you. Well guess what Lucas?! That's who I am. I go too far, I never know when to stop. And you guys keep trying to change me, and who I am and what I do, and I'm tired. I'm just tired of it all. I know who I am, and who I want to be."

Lucas stared at her in shock, she was still the same blonde beauty he had fallen in love from that very first day on the subway. She had always been herself, she just grew, and maybe he had fallen even more for her as he saw this wonderful person she was becoming. They had destroyed that. Riley, him, Josh, even Farkle, who swore to always be good friends, had pushed Maya into the cookie cutter mold that fit their group.

Tears brimmed his eyes as well. "I'm sorry Maya," he whispered, and disgusted with himself, he ran out the door.

And her heart broke again. He left.


	5. Chapter 5

They were officially all in a limbo now. All of them could feel it. This was different from the triangle. Bigger, and scarier because none of them knew what it meant this time. But this big looming change (as Mr. Matthews had always said) was essential in life.

Maya Hart stood there for what seemed like hours. He had walked straight out the door without a second glance. And her mind turned over the memories of slamming doors and echoes of screams from the past. Of every thunderstorm she spent hidden under her covers that he wasn't there for.

She eventually walked to the door and sat, with her back, leaning against it.

It was decided independently and unanimously that the best course of action was to pretend as if nothing had ever happened at all. Like they didn't go to the ski lodge and their friendship didn't silently blow up right before their eyes.

As they shuffled into the the class and took their respective seats, Lucas cast Maya lingering looks as she put her head down on her desk. She had gotten minimal sleep last night. He could feel Riley's suspecting stare on him.

The night before, Maya had laid in her bed, wide awake, thought running through her head non-stop. So she laid her head down on the desk and decided to sleep this period.

A loud bang woke her up. Mr. Matthews had slammed a book on her desk. Everyone in the class had already left for lunch, well, everyone except for her friends.

"Intervention time, ya angsty teenagers," Mr. Matthews announced.

They all groaned in response.

"Ugh, I'm giving my lunch period for this," he said, waving a finger in a circle.

Riley tentatively says, "Dad, I think we're fine."

"Oh yeah?" He looked directly at Maya. "Are we fine?"

She looked up at him and smirked that famous Maya smirk while she says, "'Course Matthews. Nothing but rainbows and sunshine here."

"I don't think things are okay," Farkle piped in. He looked from Riley and Maya and said, "Since no one will tell me anything, I deduce that something must have happened on the ski trip because directly after, Maya stopped sitting with us at lunch."

Riley, having not noticed her friends absence contritely said, "I don't know, maybe it was when Maya became me. Maybe that's when things-"

Maya stood up abruptly and almost yelled, "I was always me! Just because I get better grades than before, and like the same boy doesn't mean I'm you. I just thought…, it's stupid, but I thought I could be something other than broken…"

All Riley could do at this point was look down. It did sound pretty bad when she put it that way. But she was just trying to make sure her best friend wasn't making a mistake in trying to become like her.

"I did a bad thing," said Lucas. He took in a deep, shaky breath and said, "I did a really bad thing. I came between the two closest people in the world and I didn't fight for either one of you. Mama would put me in the shed, because I didn't choose when I was supposed to because I was too afraid to hurt the two of you but I ended up doing that anyway."

Mr. Matthews then said, "Friar, out with it, I'm not going to have time to eat at this rate."

"Shut it Matthews," they all say in unison.

"Ouch. Tough crowd today."

Lucas sighs. " I chose wrong."

She felt her heart drop to the floor before her tears did. "So what, you just didn't mean anything you said?" inquired Riley.

He runs his hand through his hair. "I didn't want to lose the two of you and-"

"Stop. Don't finish that sentence," Maya warned. For all her life, it had been Riley and Maya. And for the most part, she was okay with that. In fact, she was quite comfortable and happy with that. With the second family and the home away from home. But when she met Lucas, it was like it was just Maya. Only Maya. Maya with the bright smile and the witty comeback. But that clearly wasn't the case for him.

Before he could react, Maya pushed past him and walked out the door, without even looking back.

Riley followed, but not Maya. She followed her own footsteps out the door and into the unknown. Too wrapped up in her own thoughts, she didn't even notice when Farkle matched her stride and said, "RIley." That's it, just her name. Because there really wasn't anything to say that she didn't already know.

"I didn't mean to-"

"I know."

And that was all it took for her to collapse into his arms and bawl her eyes out.

Back in the classroom, everyone had awkwardly left Lucas alone. He sat at his seat, with his head hung low.

But then she walked back in. "Hey Huckleberry."

He shot up and almost out of his seat. He thought he must be hallucinating. But she was there, in all her glory, leaning against the door frame of Mr. Matthews' classroom. She hadn't been crying. She hadn't been anything, really. She just went out to clear her mind for a second.

"Listen, I am really sorry about everything, I didn't mean for things to turn out this way."

She looked at him and shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah well, no one means to hurt anyone until they do."

"I hurt you. I promised that I would never hurt you." Lucas wasn't a crier, but he could sure feel the lump coming up his throat and his vision blurring.

"Yeah well, I'll deal with it. You know how it is. Riley's got Farkle and Mr. Matthews. Zay and Isadora have each other, but who do you have?" She didn't think it would come out as mean as it did, but it did. "Sorry."

"No, I deserved that. I don't know. Who do you have then?"

"I don't have anyone at the moment, but I'm used to it." She sighed. "I know that you thought you had to choose Riley. And some of this is my fault because I made you choose Riley. But at this point, there's nothing we can do to fix this, can we?"

Lucas tried not to notice that she said "we" instead of "I".

"I don't deserve you." He thought he was just thinking it, but he actually said it aloud.

She walked closer to him and sat near his desk. "I don't deserve Riley. Which is why you should pick her."

"Maya…," he whispered.

"Yeah?" Her voice seems really quiet even though their facing each other. It's almost like she's worlds away.

"I choose you. I don't choose to stop, I don't choose Riley, I choose you. And I'm sorry I didn't make that clear before."

Her traitorous stomach fills with butterflies because no one's ever said those exact words to her. And that was all she wanted to hear.

"Don't sweat it, Huckleberry."

Before he can rationalize anything, he leans in and kisses her on the mouth. Her lips are soft against his and he can taste the strawberry lip balm she uses. But then, not even a second later, she pulls away.

"What are you doing!?" she said before she got up.

Lucas suddenly lost all his courage. "Uh, I, I didn't know, uh ,I thought-"

He was interrupted by the bell ringing, signalling the end of lunch.

"I said I forgive you, but I didn't say I would forget," she said before she walked right out the door.

This time, she was the one who left.


End file.
